Jennifer P. Tanabe

“Love and marriage, they go together like a horse and carriage,” according to Frank Sinatra.

Actually, though, not all horses are good at pulling carriages. Some are racehorses that are great at running fast, but not usually willing to be tied down to pull a carriage. Others are excellent at jumping over fences; definitely not conducive to a comfortable ride in a carriage! Let us not forget the amazing Clydesdales made famous by the Budweiser commercials. These horses do actually pull a beer wagon, which is kind of like a carriage; but not quite the right imagery for a marriage!

Still, it seems that the imagery of love and marriage being like a horse and carriage is strangely appropriate – not all love should lead to marriage. Why not? Well, just as there are different kinds of horses there are different kinds of love. I mean, I love my cat – but I’m not going to marry him!

We generally love our family members (to a greater or lesser extent): our parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts and uncles, cousins, children, and grandchildren. But it would be weird to think of marrying any of them!

My grandmother seemed very old to me, like she came from a different world. There was love alright, but it was not at all the kind of love between marriage partners. And I’m sure that grandparents don’t think it would be appropriate to marry their grandchild, any more than a grandchild would want to marry their grandparent.

People certainly love their parents without wanting to marry either of them. Not only are they older, they are already married – to each other!

Yes, there are the Oedipus and Electra complexes, where the children experience sexual desire towards their parent of the opposite sex, and jealousy towards the one of the same sex. But usually this is a temporary phase, not reciprocated, and doesn’t lead to marriage.

The love between a child and their parents or grandparents spans the generations; it’s a vertical type of relationship. The parent was born a lot earlier, and for the first years of the child’s life is in a position of responsibility for them, and conversely the child is dependent on them. While the level of dependence changes as the child grows, the parent’s feeling of responsibility does not go away. I could see my grandmother still wanting to help and support her daughter, my mother.

The relationship between aunts and uncles and their nieces and nephews is also of this vertical type. I had an uncle and aunt who had no children of their own. They were happy to have me and my sister stay with them for prolonged periods, and acted as surrogate parents at those times.

Then we have the sibling relationship. It’s not the same kind of relationship that spans generations, like that between the parent and child, even though there are always older and younger siblings. I was the older sister, and I have to admit I certainly didn’t feel parental towards my younger sister! She was at times a friend, someone to share experiences with. At other times she was a rival, for a favorite toy, for a bigger share of dessert, for my parents’ attention, etc. Other times she was annoying because she was too young to be able to do what I wanted to do. At one point I found out she was grateful to me for paving the way to being allowed to stay out with friends till a later time. Having an elder sibling isn’t all bad it seems!

The sibling relationship is generally horizontal in nature, between people of the same generation. The type of love that is shared between siblings is quite different from that we feel towards our parents. Most of the time we were companions in the same or at least similar activities and experiences. Sometimes I was a bit ahead of my younger sister, but she did catch up. The same would apply to cousins. They are usually of the same generation, similar in age, and so can be “partners in crime” so to speak in forging the path towards adulthood.

Again, though, we don’t marry our siblings!

Yes, the person we marry is someone with whom we experience a horizontal relationship. But that relationship is not one that comes from within our family, a person we have no choice in knowing and spending time with. It is someone we get to know through sharing our different life experiences, through choosing to spend time with, and choosing to share our deepest desires. We choose them. We can’t choose our parents, our grandparents, our siblings, or even our children. But we choose our partner in life, the one we commit to loving, the one we marry, the one we share our most intimate aspects with, the one with whom we create a family. We decide to make the commitment to the person we love, to make a life together.

The conjugal love between spouses is, in the ideal, a partnership between two people who contribute equally, and who are equally devoted to sharing the other’s life – in sickness and in health, etc. I say in the ideal, because there have been so many circumstances in which the marriage is not an equal partnership. But it is my belief that a true marriage, based on true love between two people, is a partnership.

That doesn’t mean each person contributes exactly the same – that wouldn’t work at all! No, it means that there is a harmonious relationship between the two people, who balance each the other. In some areas they will be similar; but in others, one is talented and enjoys the activity while the other is happy to receive the result. Take cooking for example, if one loves to cook and the other enjoys eating but hates to cook, the one who is good at cooking can happily cook all the meals; the spouse certainly appreciates them, and perhaps can wash the dishes!

Of course, the love between spouses is not just friendship, a platonic partnership, it also includes the sexual component. Again, in the ideal, the love between spouses is unique, they commit to fidelity, to keeping that sexual love as something precious shared only with each other, forsaking all others as they say. The love that leads to marriage is a unique kind of horizontal love, a once in a lifetime relationship that brings the greatest possible joy. It is the love that leads to the creation of new life.

Yes, there is some similarity to the horse and carriage in that not all horses can pull carriages and not all the people that we feel love for are to be our marriage partner. However, many horses can pull the same carriage, and usually do, just as each horse is capable of pulling many different carriages. There is not an exclusive relationship there.

What about love for God and God’s love for us? Many people have a deep love for God. But again, it’s not the marrying kind of love. It’s more like the vertical kind of love, spanning more than just a generation or two. God surely existed and loved human beings from the very beginning of human history. And for God, it’s not an exclusive love. God is able to love all of us, and we don’t need to feel jealous that other people also love God and receive God’s love. God is like the “super parent” to all of us!

I think the best marriages are based on an exclusive love relationship. That is different from God’s love. But then the love that leads to a successful marriage is a love that is deep and special like God’s love; love that lasts a lifetime and beyond, because we decide to make it so.